When things are good, I don’t write. Not when it comes to a boy. I get scared. Writing means establishing my thoughts when what I’m thinking are just ideas. I don’t want to nor can I establish them most of the time. You have to wait for things to play out. And I don’t want to go on and on about the guy that makes me smile, and surprises me, and can read me like his favorite book because I don’t want him to break my heart. It terrifies me.
Things are changing. Handsome got a new job and while I really am incredibly happy for him, I’m not gonna lie, it scares me a little. I mean any kind of change scares me. He’s worried about the amount of time he’ll have at the end of the day to spend with everyone, and I’m worried about things we’ll have in common. What if he gets into this job, and realizes that he can’t date a college student anymore? What if me not knowing exactly where I’m going with my degree turns him off? What if he finds someone who’s prettier and smarter than me who has her life together already at the new job? What if he just wants to end it just because he’s too busy for me? All this stuff scares me, and I know it’s not even really justified but it’s the worrier in me. Because if this one doesn’t work, I honestly don’t know if I can keep going through this. Relationships are hard, and the ends are harder. Well, this one would be. The first one I was in, the end was the easiest by far. It was the actual relationship and me still trying to fix the way I think about things and how guys feel about how to treat their girlfriends that’s still hard. It’s the fact that Handsome doesn’t mind meeting my family, he’s more than willing to support me even though he doesn’t like my brother (for good reason…whole other story) at a family function that I’m freaking out over. It’s so different, I don’t necessarily handle it in the best ways.
Oh well. All I can do is my best, and be me, and if it’s not enough, then it’s not. Only time will tell. I know I need to dial it back a bit, and I’m working on it, but hopefully things keep on working. He’s a pretty great guy.
Informational tid-bit: I was going to title this post “Mercy” after Brett Young’s song. But by the end of writing this, I got a hold of myself and am starting to see things in a new light. Don’t let boys determine your happiness. They’re not worth it. And you’re worth so much more.
Well that was short. He came and he went. Just like that.
And here I am, to pick up the pieces. I don’t know why I’m hurt. Why I’m upset that he actually realized that what I was saying was him. Or maybe it’s because he didn’t react the way I wanted him too. I wanted him to realize that the things he was saying didn’t add up to being ready for a relationship. That taking a break to figure out these hypothetical sudden new feelings for someone else wasn’t what a relationship was about.
Maybe I shouldn’t have let my crazy show about the ex-girlfriends who are his best friends. Maybe that was too far. Wait, it was, because I’m certain that it’s what tipped him over the edge. But look at it from my point of view, especially when the preceding paragraph stemmed from the hypothetical situation that I feared most. And that was them coming onto him. In which he would take time out of our relationship for himself to figure his own feelings out. Well, if you’re in the relationship and you’re committed, you don’t really have to think about the other options because you see your significant other as your option and your only option. Understandingly, not at this point in our relationship. We’re not in love. But I’m saying in the future. Asssuming at that point we are. That’s what terrifies me. But it is all just hypothetical situations. It’s me completely overthinking everything.
I understand him being upset when I said that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he stopped talking to them. I get it. I actually do. We all say things we shouldn’t sometimes. But that was me being honest. Would I want him to lose two close friends? No. But do they scare the crap out of me? Well, yeah. But that’s my own problem. I’m a big girl. I can handle myself. And that’s what I should have done. I should have warmly and welcomely said I’d love to meet them. The old me would have. Well she would’ve been super shy. I’m still shy. I still don’t say much around new people which is the other reason I really don’t want to be put in the situation of meeting new people, including his guy friends. I just get really, super incrediblyyy anxious over social gatherings! And so that was also in my head when I said I didn’t want to meet them. They’re these two great girls who are special enough for him to still keep in his life. Yeah, that’s intimidating. But I have to be stronger than that. I can’t let people intimidate me. I’m slowly trying to work on that. I think.
Anyways, he wants to start back at ground zero. Where we start as friends before jumping into anything. That’s fine I guess. I don’t know. But I’m not gonna sit around and wait for him to decide he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. The chances of him ever wanting that, especially with me, are about 0.001%. So I’m not going to hold my breath. I’m going to get a hold of myself, shake myself by the shoulders and say, “GET IT TOGETHER EMILY! HE’S JUST A BOY. We all make mistakes. You have so much more to look forward to.” So that’s what I’m going to do. Let’s go.
“Mama said there’d be boys like you.” -Anna Clendening’s ‘Boys Like You’