Informational tid-bit: I was going to title this post “Mercy” after Brett Young’s song. But by the end of writing this, I got a hold of myself and am starting to see things in a new light. Don’t let boys determine your happiness. They’re not worth it. And you’re worth so much more.
Well that was short. He came and he went. Just like that.
And here I am, to pick up the pieces. I don’t know why I’m hurt. Why I’m upset that he actually realized that what I was saying was him. Or maybe it’s because he didn’t react the way I wanted him too. I wanted him to realize that the things he was saying didn’t add up to being ready for a relationship. That taking a break to figure out these hypothetical sudden new feelings for someone else wasn’t what a relationship was about.
Maybe I shouldn’t have let my crazy show about the ex-girlfriends who are his best friends. Maybe that was too far. Wait, it was, because I’m certain that it’s what tipped him over the edge. But look at it from my point of view, especially when the preceding paragraph stemmed from the hypothetical situation that I feared most. And that was them coming onto him. In which he would take time out of our relationship for himself to figure his own feelings out. Well, if you’re in the relationship and you’re committed, you don’t really have to think about the other options because you see your significant other as your option and your only option. Understandingly, not at this point in our relationship. We’re not in love. But I’m saying in the future. Asssuming at that point we are. That’s what terrifies me. But it is all just hypothetical situations. It’s me completely overthinking everything.
I understand him being upset when I said that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he stopped talking to them. I get it. I actually do. We all say things we shouldn’t sometimes. But that was me being honest. Would I want him to lose two close friends? No. But do they scare the crap out of me? Well, yeah. But that’s my own problem. I’m a big girl. I can handle myself. And that’s what I should have done. I should have warmly and welcomely said I’d love to meet them. The old me would have. Well she would’ve been super shy. I’m still shy. I still don’t say much around new people which is the other reason I really don’t want to be put in the situation of meeting new people, including his guy friends. I just get really, super incrediblyyy anxious over social gatherings! And so that was also in my head when I said I didn’t want to meet them. They’re these two great girls who are special enough for him to still keep in his life. Yeah, that’s intimidating. But I have to be stronger than that. I can’t let people intimidate me. I’m slowly trying to work on that. I think.
Anyways, he wants to start back at ground zero. Where we start as friends before jumping into anything. That’s fine I guess. I don’t know. But I’m not gonna sit around and wait for him to decide he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. The chances of him ever wanting that, especially with me, are about 0.001%. So I’m not going to hold my breath. I’m going to get a hold of myself, shake myself by the shoulders and say, “GET IT TOGETHER EMILY! HE’S JUST A BOY. We all make mistakes. You have so much more to look forward to.” So that’s what I’m going to do. Let’s go.
“Mama said there’d be boys like you.” -Anna Clendening’s ‘Boys Like You’