College · Everydays

An Everyday Thought

When things are good, I don’t write. Not when it comes to a boy. I get scared. Writing means establishing my thoughts when what I’m thinking are just ideas. I don’t want to nor can I establish them most of the time. You have to wait for things to play out. And I don’t want to go on and on about the guy that makes me smile, and surprises me, and can read me like his favorite book because I don’t want him to break my heart. It terrifies me.

Things are changing. Handsome got a new job and while I really am incredibly happy for him, I’m not gonna lie, it scares me a little. I mean any kind of change scares me. He’s worried about the amount of time he’ll have at the end of the day to spend with everyone, and I’m worried about things we’ll have in common. What if he gets into this job, and realizes that he can’t date a college student anymore? What if me not knowing exactly where I’m going with my degree turns him off? What if he finds someone who’s prettier and smarter than me who has her life together already at the new job? What if he just wants to end it just because he’s too busy for me? All this stuff scares me, and I know it’s not even really justified but it’s the worrier in me. Because if this one doesn’t work, I honestly don’t know if I can keep going through this. Relationships are hard, and the ends are harder. Well, this one would be. The first one I was in, the end was the easiest by far. It was the actual relationship and me still trying to fix the way I think about things and how guys feel about how to treat their girlfriends that’s still hard. It’s the fact that Handsome doesn’t mind meeting my family, he’s more than willing to support me even though he doesn’t like my brother (for good reason…whole other story) at a family function that I’m freaking out over. It’s so different, I don’t necessarily handle it in the best ways.

Oh well. All I can do is my best, and be me, and if it’s not enough, then it’s not. Only time will tell. I know I need to dial it back a bit, and I’m working on it, but hopefully things keep on working. He’s a pretty great guy.


Headliner: Life Got Infinitely Better

Fun fact. The world didn’t end because of a boy. And I realized God had a much bigger and greater plan.

I’m glad it didn’t work out. And not because I got the guy that I really wanted. No, I realized this before he came back around. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that night when we broke, I asked God what his plan was. He answered my prayers in the next hour when we ended what little we had. And that was that He put Christian in my life to learn how to forgive my ex. To realize that while he hurt me, and I deserved to feel hurt and broken, that I needed to forgive him. I wanted to, but I just didn’t know how to. While Christian and I are much better off as friends or nothing at all (I honestly don’t really care) it’s because of him that I realized that time does heal wounds and while I’m not justifying anything the other asshole ever did, I needed to learn how to forgive him to really move on. And it wasn’t until Christian and I stopped talking that I learned that. I couldn’t be more grateful to God for his plan.

Because I learned how to forgive the asshole, I can fully be myself in a relationship. The man I’m dating now is pretty dang great. He’s funny, he’s the hardest worker, he’s smart, he’s handsome, he seems to be totally into me (lol blushing) and most of all, I can be completely myself around him. I feel like he really understands me, and I hope he feels the same. And he’s the first guy that’s given me actual butterflies. I think that says a lot. I thought I kind of knew what butterflies were, but not until we started dating. Talk about anxiety, giggles, and just plain stomach-flurrying air bubbles of butterflies flying around. Omg. I didn’t know what to do! That doesn’t even explain all of it. I don’t think there is a word to explain how I feel because it’s just so different and perfect. Everything with us is still so fresh, but he’s the kind of guy I’ve wanted for forever. And I’m pretty sure he’s what I need. I’m not trying to glorify the guy or make him into this perfect being – I’m just trying to convey how right this feels. He’s completely awesome.

Oh! And a memory recap for the future since I don’t know where else to put this. On our third date, neither of us had really made a move yet, and we had just sat through a whole movie where I thought he would finally make it, but he never did. I was gonna go home that night defeated until when we’re standing outside the movie theater afterwards and he asks if I wanted to get food. I replied, Um, yeah, sure, if you want to. I didn’t know how the guy felt. This date with this really cute boy was going nowhere because he realized he wasn’t interested. Or so I thought.  Until:

I just can’t get a read on you. (Btw, he’s got his arms crossed over his chest and his hand holding his chin, actually really thinking about this. Just to give you a glimpse into what I saw that night.)

A read?

Yeah, you know I can usually read people really well, but you, I can’t figure out.

Well what do you mean?

What do I mean? I mean, are you even interested in me?

What? Are you kidding me?? I could ask you the same thing!

What! No way! I’ve been clear!

What are you talking about? I have no idea where you’re at right now! (I’m not sure if these lines are exactly what was said, but the first line definitely was.)

What? For real!


And then he made a super bold move. He grabbed my face and kissed me. Taken by surprise, it took me a second to realize what was happening. Or maybe it didn’t. Maybe I was just shocked he would do something so bold, so attractive. And then I kissed him back.

He pulled away. Better? Is that clear?

I laughed, yeah, that’s better. I think I get it now.

Most perfect first kiss. Ever.

Love, Emily 

I’m doing something I’ve never done before. I’m finding myself smiling and giggling for no apparent reason at all. 

College · Everydays

Get It Together, Girlfriend

Informational tid-bit: I was going to title this post “Mercy” after Brett Young’s song. But by the end of writing this, I got a hold of myself and am starting to see things in  a new light. Don’t let boys determine your happiness. They’re not worth it. And you’re worth so much more. 

Well that was short. He came and he went. Just like that.

And here I am, to pick up the pieces. I don’t know why I’m hurt. Why I’m upset that he actually realized that what I was saying was him. Or maybe it’s because he didn’t react the way I wanted him too. I wanted him to realize that the things he was saying didn’t add up to being ready for a relationship. That taking a break to figure out these hypothetical sudden new feelings for someone else wasn’t what a relationship was about.

Maybe I shouldn’t have let my crazy show about the ex-girlfriends who are his best friends. Maybe that was too far. Wait, it was, because I’m certain that it’s what tipped him over the edge. But look at it from my point of view, especially when the preceding paragraph stemmed from the hypothetical situation that I feared most. And that was them coming onto him. In which he would take time out of our relationship for himself to figure his own feelings out. Well, if you’re in the relationship and you’re committed, you don’t really have to think about the other options because you see your significant other as your option and your only option. Understandingly, not at this point in our relationship. We’re not in love. But I’m saying in the future. Asssuming at that point we are. That’s what terrifies me. But it is all just hypothetical situations. It’s me completely overthinking everything.

I understand him being upset when I said that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he stopped talking to them. I get it. I actually do. We all say things we shouldn’t sometimes. But that was me being honest. Would I want him  to lose two close friends? No. But do they scare the crap out of me? Well, yeah. But that’s my own problem. I’m a big girl. I can handle myself. And that’s what I should have done. I should have warmly and welcomely said I’d love to meet them. The old me would have. Well she would’ve been super shy. I’m still shy. I still don’t say much around new people which is the other reason I really don’t want to be put in the situation of meeting new people, including his guy friends. I just get really, super incrediblyyy anxious over social gatherings! And so that was also in my head when I said I didn’t want to meet them. They’re these two great girls who are special enough for him to still keep in his life. Yeah, that’s intimidating. But I have to be stronger than that. I can’t let people intimidate me. I’m slowly trying to work on that. I think.

Anyways, he wants to start back at ground zero. Where we start as friends before jumping into anything. That’s fine I guess. I don’t know. But I’m not gonna sit around and wait for him to decide he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. The chances of him ever wanting that, especially with me, are about 0.001%. So I’m not going to hold my breath. I’m going to get a hold of myself, shake myself by the shoulders and say, “GET IT TOGETHER EMILY! HE’S JUST A BOY. We all make mistakes. You have so much more to look forward to.” So that’s what I’m going to do. Let’s go.

Love, Emily

“Mama said there’d be boys like you.” -Anna Clendening’s ‘Boys Like You’



How to Save a Life

I’ve never told anyone this and I don’t know if I ever will, but my favorite song is “How to Save a Life” by The Fray. I’ve listened to it for years–since puberty probably–but I never understood it until a couple of years ago. I finally interpreted the song for what I thought it meant instead of just liking the tune.

When I was in the process of realizing that I needed to break up with my ex-boyfriend, this song made more sense. It didn’t apply completely because there were so many things wrong in the relationship and  I don’t think I was to blame but at the same time, there were so many aspects that it did apply too. A contradiction, right? Let me try to explain.

He was a roller coaster. We were good. Then we weren’t. It was all based off of his moods. Or if my most recent comment made him tick. Or m


aybe it was a thought about a previous comment. It didn’t take much to trigger the guy. Sometimes, it took nothing at all.

“How to Save a Life” was a song that I liked that eventually became a

true story in my life.

Step one, you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down, it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left, and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

I don’t remember if I pictured our break up ending like this, but the final one did. After our so-called ‘break’ where I had initially tried to cut ties with him, I went to his apartment, and this first stanza is how it went. Minus the smiling. I remember he dressed nice that day wearing a shirt that I had never seen before. As he begged me to stay, and promised he’d change, I couldn’t stop thinking of this song. It helped me to power through. Before that chapter in my life, the song was just a song. But in that moment, with him sitting across from me, it was my life. And I was saving my life.

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all, you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you

That night, while I was trying to break up with him, he apologized for everything he’d ever done. He said he realized he hadn’t been the best boyfriend and such, but I still couldn’t believe he had never realized this before. Through all of my tears. Through people giving us judging looks – him as the asshole that he was and me as the victim who wouldn’t leave the guy. Like the night during the Christmas light festival that we got into a fight over the gratuitous sentence on my paychecks “Remember, without the customer, this wouldn’t be possible.” Or something along those lines. And he hated it. He hated customers. But I remember thinking it was so cool because how many companies really take the time to appreciate the people who keep the lights on and the business running?? Sure, there are terrible customers that make you want to pull your hair out, but most of them aren’t like that. Customers are the basis of any business. And I love that the company that I work for never lets us forget that. As a child of business owners, I realize that customers are a very important aspect, if not the most important element. Sorry, tangent over.

Anywho, back to thinking about how The Fray wrote that song for me…

Emotional Abuse.jpgHe asked me why I never told him before that month that I was unhappy. But I told him that I had tried for so long, and he just never listened. By this time, the new Emily was starting to emerge so I did tell him that. 1 point for me. Actually, a million points for me because that I love that girl, and I love that I have broken out of my shell so much since him. I told him some of the things that had caused me to finally realize we needed to break up, but I didn’t apologize for things I didn’t do. I didn’t grant innocence. I put the blame on him. I didn’t retreat into the timid Emily. No, I was turning into the strong Emily I am today. And I let her shine through that night to make up for the previous two years when I had pushed her aside just like he did.

For so long, I had tried to be there for him. To help him throughout all of his challenges, the accidents, the failed driving tests, the inability to be an adult. But I was done. I was destined for greater than nursing an adult’s emotional wounds when all he did was pour salt on mine. He was a manipulative, controlling, contemptible person (did I use contemptible right? I was trying not to say asshole…)

If he had just stopped for a moment in the passed two years and thought about how he might have caused my tears, he would’ve realized the things I had been saying. But he hadn’t. And now, that’s okay. I’ve moved on. He’s in the past. Without him, I wouldn’t have the insight that I do on emotionally abusive relationships. Thanks to that guy, I’ve experience things I never thought I would. Things that I would’ve looked upon other girls who were experiencing similar situations with pity. I would’ve wanted to ask them why they’re staying in a such an abusive relationship. But now I know, that when you’re in that situation, it really is so much different. You don’t see things like a normal person would. You push things aside such as his temper, or his attitude, or his comments that are such huge red flags, away and pretend they’re not as big of a deal as everyone says they are. Yet, you don’t tell anyone about any of this because you know that your friends and family would hate him if they knew all of that. Because somewhere, deep down, you knew it was all wrong. It just takes a long time to realize it. And thankfully I did, and I did something about it.

Love, Emily

“So often survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. Writing is an important avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to define your own reality. You can say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the adult. I was—and am—innocent.”

-The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

Everydays · FamBam


Today, we had a brief visit with my family from home. My mom and my aunt drove to pick up my grandparents and then kept driving until they got to our city. I was at work most of the day but I met them at BJ’s for dinner.

I offered to take my grandpa home and let everyone else drive together. He just talked the whole way. And I was just wishing I had been smart enough to record him.

He told me about how he creeped out my Granny the first time he asked her out and she (I suppose, not surprisingly) refused. He had bleached out his hair so that it was ginger..? and was covered in freckles and she had no idea who this boy was that was asking her out.

On another day, she was learning to drive and had on her right blinker. My grandpa who was unknowingly driving behind her, went to pass her on the left, but that car in front of him decided to make a left hand turn even with the right blinker flashing. He had to slam on his breaks to avoid an accident. He said that he doesn’t remember why or how he even really found out that Marilyn Holman had been the driver of that car. But I guess when he was telling his friends the story, they said “Yeah, that’s Marilyn Holman.” By the way, my grandma has always been Sue (her middle name) Maxwell (and of course, my grandpa’s last name) So this Marilyn Holman is just this super classy girl in the 30’s. Btw, my grandma was drop dead gorgeous in her teens. That super classy early 1900’s beautiful. I wish I was that pretty. No wonder my grandpa didn’t stop trying… Lol.

Anyways, later on in this chronological order of events, he was driving to school and saw her walking there. He didn’t know if she had missed the bus or what, but he offered her a ride. He said that he wasn’t trying anything, just that he offered her a ride. It was just one of the things that happened before he dated her. He says that the car ride is kind of irrelevant, but that they started dating some time shortly after.

He also talked about how he didn’t like my grandmother’s stepdad who was a nice enough fellow, but loved her real dad even though he married five different women and lived with seven others (as he said, “You know, he was really an old horn-dog.”) but he adored the guy.

Just hearing my grandpa talk about all of this was so mesmerizing and I wish I could’ve recorded it so that I’d have it forever.

Life is so short and beautiful at the same time.


Nice to Meet You

Hi there,

I’m Emily. You can call me Em. Or Emma. Or Emily. Or really whatever you want.  I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. Fun fact: this is my third blog. I had a blog in my early high school days. I kept it like a diary. I had a blog that I made I think sometime in my senior year of high school or after I graduated. I don’t really remember. And now I have this one. Third one’s a charm, right?

I guess I should say a little something about myself. I’m a senior in college (also my third one–guess you could say I’m indecisive!) studying neuroscience. I tell people I want to be an occupational therapist and work with mentally disabled children and adults. In reality, – or truly, unrealistically – I want to run my own coffee shop. I think it would be the coolest thing ever. I could bake the daily pastries, make people happy all day by giving them coffee, and make myself happy by doing what I want. But it’s hard work owning your own business and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

My parents own a flower shop that my mom has ran since the day it opened in 1984. Our main income was always the flower shop. As you can imagine, it wasn’t the most profitable business and as I grew up, money was never plentiful in our house. We always had what we needed, and when I was younger, before the recession hit, our Christmas gifts were always normal. By normal I mean, each of us three kids got all that we wanted, as long as it was within reasonable means. My dad used to be a stock broker, or an insurance guy–something like that–but he quit his job when I was probably three or four and tried running his own financial business, which never really worked out. Anyways, watching my parents run their own shop, especially my mom because let’s be real, she’s the one who does everything, has been a challenge. As a kid, I always knew I would never have the next big thing or have brand name clothes. I was lucky when we went shopping at the beginning of the school year during Memorial Day weekend. And that pile of clothes had to basically last me through the next year. I think we might have done a small Spring clothes shopping trip, but we only ever got a few things. Plus, my mom has always been really good about scoring raging deals. Getting back to the point, watching my parents struggle to make ends meet was never a fun thing as a kid. I hated it. And I never want to put my own kids through the same thing nor do I really want to go through it myself. My parents never EVER talked about their financial situation to us. Which is good. But even so, we still felt the stress, especially as we grew older and realized that things were even less rosy than we thought. And if we, as kids, felt that financial stress, I can only imagine how stressful that is to be the parent and have offspring depending on you to provide for them. I respect my parents so much for all they’ve been through.

So there’s a little background story. It’s super unorganized but I’m supposed to be studying right now, so I’m not gonna organize it. I’ve procrastinated long enough!

Good night world!

Childhood is the most beautiful of all of life’s seasons.